I was accepted by the psychology institution. So everything will be fresh to me. Only myself is still me.

Today I saw the pale frost on the grass. The grass looked like arid hair of the corpses. Everything was withering in the darkness, the perpetual darkness. They let all the lights be jokes. Only they were solemn, like filthy inside of the corpses.

I have borrowed several psychological books for reading in advance. One of them is about psychological statistic. Oh, mathematics, I haven’t seen you for ages. Those examination papers, which I wrote hardly in the past years, where have you gone? Those years, which I couldn’t see through myself, where can I find you? But the mathematics retrieve all the things to me. I am immersing in such numbers and formulas again. They fascinate me because they take me away from this world. I have no idea where they take me. But just because of this I would like indulge my passion for them. When I can’t find where I am, I will feel happy. Because I will never get rejections, disappointments, fears and soreness in the unknown place any more. I know, I am poisoning my mind. I know, many people are doing so. I should write some happier things. I must be happy for my life without any reasons.

Christmas is coming, their Christmas. The holidays are so long, their holidays. People are happy, their happiness. Nothing belongs to me. But it is not their fault. Now it is not the timing yet. But I will live just with my own life. Though I don’t have confidence to let them be truth.

The difficulty came to me, not so early and not so late, just after one month since I lived alone. The life seems a little helpless but not hopeless. Actually I enjoy the lonesome, which give me a bigger room to see clearly myself and my new life. The lonesome also remind me some old things, which I supposed I have left in an unknown place. As a matter of fact, I unexpectedly still love them as before. Those songs, films, persons and feelings, perhaps they have already become a part of my body. The world is always changing, however, it’s glad to know that something can keep unchanging. In the world you can shake off everyone and everything, but you only can’t discard yourself. So I wanna live alone, just with myself. I am the one person who I can trust and rely on.

Please forgive my ravings.

Please forgive the lonesome.

In the world there are no any better countries. Over the sky there is the paradise. Under the earth there is the hell. So between the best and worst, we can not demand anything.

Fortunately, I can breathe.  

If I say subjectively that we don’t need superman, how can I explain that they’ve appeared in considerable films?

In fact, superman certainly doesn’t exist in the world. But we do wish he exists. Why?

We all will get a sense of weak in a certain time, even the world. We want to be saved when we become feeble. The world also needs to be rescued when disasters come. So we desire a God or a superman who will help us. But when we are not weak anymore, we expect to be a superman for other people. Actually, everyone is a superman. We are saved meanwhile we save others.

If I say that we need superman, it would better to say that we need ourselves.

Dreams sometimes don’t need to achieve.

Dreams can keep their beauty when they are just dreams.

But, we need dreams. In other words, we need hopes.

Dreams attract us because of their illusory beauty. They are something that we want to acquire. Possibly, we will find that they are not as beautiful as we have expected. But if we don’t achieve the dreams once, how can we know the facts of them? This reminds me a saying in one of my favourite films: “ Everyone will experience one phase in the life. When we see a mountain we want to see the scenery behind the mountain. I really want to tell you, when you cross over the mountain perhaps you will not discover any special things.” These words have a little relation of my dreams.

I have travelled to several countries. But there are still two places where I really want to go, Hong Kong and Argentina. Though I’ve been to Hong Kong twice. Why do I choose these two places? Only because of a man. He is the actor in the film, which I have just mentioned. But he is not only an actor but also a God in my heart. I don’t exaggerate anything and I believe that many people have the same thinking as me. He is not in this world now but it is possible another way of him for lasting forever.

Because of him I want to go to Argentina. There is a magnificent waterfall, Iguazu Falls. He has ever been to Argentina because he has performed the film “ Happy Together ”. In the film he planed to go to the falls with his lover. In truth they hade ever been happy but at the end of the film, the two people couldn’t get together. His lover reached Iguazu Falls lonely and murmured in there: “ Finally, I’ve arrived the falls but I can’t actually get any sense of happy. Because I always think that there should be two persons under the falls.” Maybe I only want to continue their dream so I want to get to there with another person. I will be waiting for the Iguazu Falls, forever.

Because of him I want to live in Hong Kong. He was born and grew up in Hong Kong. For Hong Kong he have paid much and given up many tings. He left his life in there so I desire to find all the things about him in Hong Kong. Now my desktop is a picture of Hong Kong, the night view of Hong Kong. I often stare at it but it gives me a kind of remote feeling. I’ve heard that many people swam to Hong Kong from Shen Zhen for about twenty years ago. I don’t know if they have achieved their dream. I don’t know if I could achieve my dream, either. Dream like a puzzle. But we will solve the puzzle provided we don’t give up.

I truly have a lot of dreams. But maybe I only have one dream. My entire dream is just he. But I have missed him, for this reason I want to indulge me in my beautiful dreams.                    

In the morning a piece of light came into my room through the seam of curtain. I supposed that today would be a sunny day. But it was not true. When I opened the curtain a nice scene surprised me. It was snowing! Although it was not dense it was really snow. Snow broke up the cloud, which have stayed in the sky for about a couple of weeks. But snow didn’t drive away my love for winter.

I indeed love winter. I considered that I love winter because of snow. I like to step on the new snow on which will appear a form of my footprints and I enjoy hearing the sound when I step on them. I wish it will come other people whose footsteps will cover mine. No matter their footprints are bigger or smaller than me, we have ever confronted after all. We will eventually be substituted by other one, no matter footprints or other things. We will eventually disappear from this period, no matter who you are. It is not worth being gloomy. In this world the only thing that will not change is change. Meanwhile I realize that snow is not the only cause to me for love winter. I think the more essential reason is because in the winter the warmth become more precious. I perhaps wish to see snow and at the same time to get more warmth in the winter. Happily, it is not too late to understand this.

The snow was still continuing. The sky was reflected whitely even in the night. I try to recall the last time that I played snow with my friends but I can’t. It was possible the final time we played snow together. Nevertheless I can still clearly remember which friends I played with, because they often appear in my dream. We will separate with each other, never. And we are good friends, forever. I can’t fly in the sky, for this reason I don’t know the exact distance between us. So we can imagine that we are actually close. I believe when the snow come, they can see.

It was utterly indifferent to me when the snow would stop. I only wanna be a snow person, enjoying the winter and waiting for the spring. Even if I will be melted by the sun, I will still keep the smile for gaining the warmth till I disappear.